About
Whimsical Advice About Self-publishing
The world will not end if your book is a flop! Or will it? Perhaps a huge volcano will erupt under your feet and cover you with molten magma. Talking about the end-of-the-world scenario. I was a little kid during the Cuban Missile Crisis (yes, I’m that old, but I feel like a 40-year-old, okay, 50). anyway, I remember one November lunchtime in ’62, sitting in the middle of the school soccer pitch, drinking a soda, and saying to my friend Idris, who was Welsh, “Idris,” I said, “We could all be blown up and dead by this afternoon.”
The prospect didn’t seem too frightening because we had a double math class that afternoon. To me and Idris, that was worse than a global Armageddon! I survived the math lesson, even with my typically low marks in algebra. Fortunately, I was an ace in geometry! My friendship with Idris ended after we were thrown into a boxing ring and forced to hit each other. After a few tentative punches, we both turned into mini Genghis Khans. Making little kids fight each other was an old English and barbaric school tradition (in those days.) Brutalizing each other was considered sporting in those days. I decided art and writing were better than boxing.
Personally, I feel my best book is The Naked President. It’s funny and bizarre, somewhat Englishy, but I think it contains some original concepts and ideas. For me, the Holy Grail of writing is originality, a rare commodity, and I like humor in writing.
After years of self-publishing involvement, I haven’t made the best-seller list yet, but it’s nice to have a little passive income at the end of the year, even if it won’t take my wife and me on a shopping trip to Bahrain, but we can afford a hot dog and Coke at Costco.
You will probably be disappointed if you are looking for a quick income by writing books. I doubt many self-publishers earn enough money to sustain a relatively prosperous lifestyle. I really hope you can; some self-publishers have become wealthy from their writing. I’m sorry to be clinical; if you want big money quickly, maybe the lottery is a better bet; indeed, it’s a lot easier than writing and editing a novel.
Some writers still look for angel publishers who buy novels and even pay advances! There are some out there; good luck with that one. If you find one, please let me know!
Perhaps you are happy to write a few entertaining potboiler stories like me. A welcome distraction for weary passengers stuck in departure lounges, waiting for that delayed flight to Des Moines; you feel tired and have drunk too much coffee when suddenly a mob of screaming zombies crashes through the departure lounge door, biting and tearing apart anyone in their path!
You immediately and heroically herd all the passengers down the air-bridge into the waiting aircraft, but you hear the wail of a distressed mother whose toddler has been left in the departure lounge. Only you can save her from the hideous zombies who have eaten the pilots, meaning you must fly the 747! Babe in arms, you leap the gap between the air bridge and the aircraft. The beautiful air hostess slams the 747 doors shut, looks lovingly into your eye, and whispers, “You saved us. How can I ever thank you.”
Meanwhile, the zombies are trying to eat the aircraft tires! You start the aircraft, its wheels start rolling, it picks up speed, and zombies, monkeys, and travel bags are thrown everywhere. Some zombies are sucked into the jet engines, shredded, and splattered against the aircraft windows making passengers scream hysterically! But you keep your nerve and accelerate down the runway, gently lifting the aircraft into the safety of the calm blue sky.
Then, your daydream is interrupted. Ding, Dong, “All passengers on the flight to Des Moines start boarding at gate 12. All first-class travelers and writers, please go to the front of the queue.”
​​Ah, well, back to reality. So, are you still determined to write that book?
Cooldown, buddy; excellent job so far. Now you must market your work (you thought writing your book was tough.) Wait till you try marketing it. Unfortunately, some self-publishing authors can end up out of pocket, unlike the heads of book corporations who make plenty of money so they can swan off to Hawaii. My method is not the most professional and efficient approach to book publishing, but it gets the job done. I have successfully launched eleven books written by my friends or me. All my friends seem happy with my efforts and still speak to me!
I feel I have a mission to warn the public about scammers. They can fleece people who know nothing about self-publishing (especially senior citizens) with false promises and overblown sales numbers. Book promotion is difficult, so some tech-savvy people exploit the gullible and non-tech-savvy. Some are genuine. Just tread carefully.
Selling books requires experience and hard work. An experienced marketer who understands the Byzantine nature of book marketing and has a good sales plan will give you an advantage, but don’t hand over thousands of dollars unless you are 100% sure your publisher is genuine.
I recall a man in my writer’s circle, a well-educated senior citizen (Yale and Rhodes Scholar with an Oxford, Ph.D. no less) who paid around $12,000 to an agent to publish and promote his new book. The finished book looked good and was an excellent read, but it was not promoted in the manner he had been promised, and his sales were disappointing. He deserved better.
Book sales, promotions, and promises of sales can become very contentious. I wish I had a dollar (maybe $5) for everyone who told me, “Hey, Jack. I have finished my book, and it’s in print; my friends say it’s amazing! Now, what do I do? How do I promote it?” Well, first thing, if you see me on a flight, for goodness sake, don’t shout, “Hi, Jack!” Book promotion is difficult. Just use every facility that comes your way. Anyway, I have saved you thousands of dollars already! So how about buying one of my books, which are tantalizingly spread across this site and hopefully in some departure lounges?
